Last month I had a panic attack. If you have had a panic attack before, you will know how scary it was. In the middle of the night, I woke up, went to the bathroom, came back and my heart was just pounding. I had panic attack before, so I knew the symptom and how to control it. It finally went away.
Last week, Ada had problem with her bowel movement. I called her GI doctor early Monday morning, then waited and waited for the phone call. No luck, so I decided to take Ada to ER. While I was talking to the Doctor, the phone rang, and I could not answer. It was the message from her GI doctor for me to call back. I called and called and nobody answer the phone. At that moment, I just not sure what I want to do and the panic attack set in.
I managed to drive home, Miss Ada was so tried, I put her in bed and she took a nap. I just collapsed on the recliner, feel like dying. Unable to control the demon, I told myself that I need to find the way to stop it soon.
I began to think back of what had happened in the past 2 months. I finally realized that I had lost my best friend, Ardis Hendrix, in December of last year. Of all people who know and understand how difficult it is to take care of Ada, and how much time and energy that I had devoted to take care of Ada from the beginning, Ardis was the only one who understood it completely. And now she's gone.
I always have a second thought when it come to make a decision for Ada's care. I just want the best for her. So when someone question me why you do this, why you don't do that, it makes me worried, and a bit upset. May be all my friends just get tried of hearing about Ada, her problems, my problems, problems with her nurses, problem with Ada's not sleeping, problem with me not getting enough sleep, on and on.
I miss Ardis. She would understand, she would know how much I love Ada and how much I miss her.
I found myself not wanting to leave the house, especially in the bad weather, after the storm, before the storm, after the snow. Sometime while I was driving, a "What if ........" thought had come to my mind. if something happen to me, who will take care of Ada. There is no answer for that, yet.
Meanwhile, I am still fighting with the Panic Attack, and I am sure I will win, because there is no other choice.
Last week, Ada had problem with her bowel movement. I called her GI doctor early Monday morning, then waited and waited for the phone call. No luck, so I decided to take Ada to ER. While I was talking to the Doctor, the phone rang, and I could not answer. It was the message from her GI doctor for me to call back. I called and called and nobody answer the phone. At that moment, I just not sure what I want to do and the panic attack set in.
I managed to drive home, Miss Ada was so tried, I put her in bed and she took a nap. I just collapsed on the recliner, feel like dying. Unable to control the demon, I told myself that I need to find the way to stop it soon.
I began to think back of what had happened in the past 2 months. I finally realized that I had lost my best friend, Ardis Hendrix, in December of last year. Of all people who know and understand how difficult it is to take care of Ada, and how much time and energy that I had devoted to take care of Ada from the beginning, Ardis was the only one who understood it completely. And now she's gone.
I always have a second thought when it come to make a decision for Ada's care. I just want the best for her. So when someone question me why you do this, why you don't do that, it makes me worried, and a bit upset. May be all my friends just get tried of hearing about Ada, her problems, my problems, problems with her nurses, problem with Ada's not sleeping, problem with me not getting enough sleep, on and on.
I miss Ardis. She would understand, she would know how much I love Ada and how much I miss her.
I found myself not wanting to leave the house, especially in the bad weather, after the storm, before the storm, after the snow. Sometime while I was driving, a "What if ........" thought had come to my mind. if something happen to me, who will take care of Ada. There is no answer for that, yet.
Meanwhile, I am still fighting with the Panic Attack, and I am sure I will win, because there is no other choice.
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14 comments:
Many hugs. So hard knowing what's right and wishing you could wave a wand and know you're going to be okay. So helpful to have a friend to talk to, and so isolating being a caregiver (I know, I am one too). And also hard when people, well-meaning people try to give advice instead of just an ear. Here is my ear... I'm listening.
(in my family, we have many panic attack sufferers, too. It's like you feel like you are going to die)
I have had panic attacks and still fear having them. I've also had at least the beginnings of panic when I was out with Ben, but I'd refocus my thoughts on being there for him. I know how hard it must be for you to be "there" for Ada all the time, and to not have anyone to talk to or vent to the way you used to probably just adds to your stress. For me, higher stress was related to more frequent panic. Just do what you can but try to be mindful of what you need. Please feel free to write to me if you ever need to vent or need a shoulder to "cry" on. You have an amazing, loving heart and I think you are a strong woman!
I have had panic attacks and still fear having them. I've also had at least the beginnings of panic when I was out with Ben, but I'd refocus my thoughts on being there for him. I know how hard it must be for you to be "there" for Ada all the time, and to not have anyone to talk to or vent to the way you used to probably just adds to your stress. For me, higher stress was related to more frequent panic. Just do what you can but try to be mindful of what you need. Please feel free to write to me if you ever need to vent or need a shoulder to "cry" on. You have an amazing, loving heart and I think you are a strong woman!
Most people think Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) only happens to combat veterans or people who've been in a traumatic situation. I believe a milder form also happens to people who've been under stress for a long, long time, and that may be what your panic attacks are. I know you lost your friend, so find somebody else to talk to. Also, consider medication for anxiety. I'm living proof it works.
RebeccaH, my husband had to deal with his panic attack. For 10 years, he cannot drive on a highway, he also took Prozac which did not help much. The whole time I have to deal with his panic attack, i felt like I was also living in hell. he is taking Paxil now and it had help a lot.
I do not want to go that route, taking medication for life. I had learn to control it once and I will do it again.
I hate taking medicine.
I know I have other friends, many many friends. Ardis was just one special friend, because she had been with us for many months in the hospital, at the nursing home.
Many people who never had panic attack before will not understand what is going on. I just want people to be aware of it.
I am so sorry Ponsawan, I will,pray for you more often. I used to have them, too, so I do know how scary they are. I hope you will not take depression medication because it is very dangerous, that is what my daughter was taking before she died. God bless you, lady! ❤️❤️❤️
I have thought of you many times and wondered how you and Ada were doing, for some reason I couldn't find the link to this page, and today for some reason it just showed up! I am so sorry for the loss of your friend Ardis. And am praying for peace for you.
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