Saturday, February 21, 2015

Panic attack

Last month I had a panic attack. If you have had a panic attack before, you will know how scary it was. In the middle of the night, I woke up, went to the bathroom, came back and my heart was just pounding. I had panic attack before, so I knew the symptom and how to control it. It finally went away.
Last week, Ada had problem with her bowel movement. I called her GI doctor early Monday morning, then waited and waited for the phone call. No luck, so I decided to take Ada to ER. While I was talking to the Doctor, the phone rang, and I could not answer. It was the message from her GI doctor for me to call back. I called and called and nobody answer the phone. At that moment, I just not sure what I want to do and the panic attack set in.
I managed to drive home, Miss Ada was so tried, I put her in bed and she took a nap. I just collapsed on the recliner, feel like dying. Unable to control the demon, I told myself that I need to find the way to stop it soon.
I began to think back of what had happened in the past 2 months. I finally realized that I had lost my best friend, Ardis Hendrix, in December of last year. Of all people who know and understand how difficult it is to take care of Ada, and how much time and energy that I had devoted to take care of Ada from the beginning, Ardis was the only one who understood it completely. And now she's gone.
I always have a second thought when it come to make a decision for Ada's care. I just want the best for her. So when someone question me why you do this, why you don't do that, it makes me worried, and a bit upset. May be all my friends just get tried of hearing about Ada, her problems, my problems, problems with her nurses, problem with Ada's not sleeping, problem with me not getting enough sleep, on and on.
I miss Ardis. She would understand, she would know how much I love Ada and how much I miss her.
I found myself not wanting to leave the house, especially in the bad weather, after the storm, before the storm, after the snow. Sometime while I was driving, a "What if ........" thought had come to my mind. if something happen to me, who will take care of Ada. There is no answer for that, yet.
Meanwhile, I am still fighting with the Panic Attack, and I am sure I will win, because there is no other choice.